Making Book on Pension Fund Reform
Sebastian Cauthorn, writing Adult Political Fantasy
Editor's Warning: Read at your own risk. This Article
may contain offensive material. It is Adult Political
Fiction and reflects what might of happen in time and space.
Final Days of Kentucky's 2018 General Assembly
Striking the wooden match into a roaring flame, the young brunette held it just under the exposed end of my Kentucky Creme Limited Reserve Cigar.
As she looked up at me with those wonderfully expressive eyes, she gently allowed the flame to engulf the café cigar. "You know, Big Daddy, I just love a man who smokes a good cigar, enjoys excellent Kentucky bourbon, and knows exactly what he wants out of life."
WAKE UP!!! BIG DADDY, THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE!!!
The brash young editor of the Frankfort Office for the west Kentucky Journal dropped several pounds of paper on my lap, almost knocking me out of my chair. "Read this!" Her voice attacked my foggy senses as I tried to become fully aware of where I was. She roared, "It's the Governor's latest Pension/Budget Plan, version 3 or 8, it's hard to keep up with all the changes." No matter, just analyze it against the legislature's plans. And Big Daddy, this time no New Orleans Ouija board sessions or exotic 900 late night telephone numbers on your research account.
Pulled from my nap, my afternoon fantasy spoiled, I headed for the Capital to sort out this state pension mess. Not taking any chances on bad information, I went immediately to the one man in the know, Benny, the BOOKMAKER.
I found Benny setting up shop near the South entrance to the Capital Building and singing to himself. The usually melancholy Benn was positively gushing with happiness.
When he saw me, he said "Big Daddy, I might have known you would show up today, of all days. I guess you have come for the big showdown." I knew whenever Benny was on a roll that something big was about to happen. I hadn't seen him this excited since the week that undercover FBI agents flooded the capital looking for terrorist coming from Mexico.
"It's like this, Big Daddy, the gambling business hit hard times for us middle men. What with the lottery, bingo, off tracking betting, river boat gambling, and basketball season being over, it's hard to make a quick dollar the old fashion way.
Now the state has muscled in and is taking all the cream-off-the-top. I have been forced to secure new markets for my unique talents. My latest venture is making book on whose pension reform package will get passed in the legislature. Right now the legislative plan is an odds on favorite. The Governor's plan is a long shot."
Looking intently at his pocket watch, Benny counted down, "5-4-3-2-1 High Noon, all bets covered and locked in place."
"My sources tell me that this is to be the final battle over pension reform. At this very second, forces are converging on this very spot to determine just whose plan will be passed into law." Benny exclaimed.
At that very moment, the large brass doors to the South entrance of the Capitol building burst open, spilling out a special squad of Governor Bevin's Yes Men. At the same time a large state dump truck backed up and dumped several tons of neatly bound Bevin Pension Plans and State Budgets. The Governor's staff and Yes Men begin building a barricade with these boxes to protect the Governor's position.
Their attention was diverted by a mob screaming and yelling lobbyists and corporate legions moving towards the battle from the East Door of the Capitol. But the greatest noise came from the thousands of Kentucky teachers, state government employees and union members who flooded into the fight from Shelby Street and Capitol Avenue.
Not to be left out of the fight, a battalion of House of Representatives spilled out of the State Annex Building to engaged all factions. Led by Reps. Hoover, the first units of the House forces headed straight for the Governor's position.
At the barricade, the fighting became hand-to-hand. The air was filled with thousands of pages of pension and budget data. Witnesses say it was horrible to watch senior government officials strike legislators and teachers with massive pension plan 200 page books. The legislators, with years of training and experience in trench warfare, counter with 300 page state budgets.
The battle tipped briefly in the Governor's favor. Governor Bevin stood atop the bodies of fallen Cabinet officials and screamed, "I've got it! I've discovered the silver bullet for pension reform." Combatants stopped to look in awe at the bright item held in the Governor's outstretched hand.
No one is sure who actually made the grenade like toss, but one of the teachers hurled a pension plan at the Governor just as he reached for the sky (for the benefit of the press corps photo opportunity).
The massive pension plan book struck the Governor in the back of his head, sending him into the arms of a special crack squad of well armed teachers form Woodford, Jefferson, Graves, and Calloway Counties. In the mayhem, the silver bullet was lost. To this day, some speculate that is being kept deep in special vaults of the Humana Building in downtown Louisville, awaiting for the next republican governor of Kentucky.
At that moment, Ex Speaker of the House Hoover, leader of the House Coalition forces, stood atop the fallen barricade and proclaimed total victory for his forces. As he read the terms of surrender to the Governor, the scene was interrupted with a series of THUMP-THUMP-THUMP sounds.
Six attack helicopters landed next to the battle scene. Jumping from the helicopters were shock troops of the U.N.E.S.F.S.O.T. The United Nations Environmental Strike Force to Save Our Trees Commander approached the mess of bodies and fallen pages of data. He declared, "You are all in violation of world environmental common sense for the use of paper."
"Any further attempt to destroy trees and we will declare this an un technological zone. We will confiscate all computers and copiers. All work will be done on surplus IBM model 40 select typewriters with carbons."
Turning to Benny the Bookmaker, I asked, "Who won?"
Counting his winnings, he said, "That's easy to figure. The Legislators won because they defused a large potential tax issue before they go home for reelection. The Governor lost big time because he couldn't build a coalition or know how to talk to the teachers. The teachers won because they became one with their power of unionization and political power to scare all political types in Frankfort.